Recently, I have been going through these episodes where I start to think things. Things I have never really payed attention to or maybe I did but I just didn't panic about those thoughts. I could be sitting at a table with my family and all of a sudden it hits me, "Am I alive?" "Am I a ghost just sitting in between my family?" "Did I actually end my life?" "Is my entire life a dream?". Like WHAT!? One day I woke up from a nap and I knew my parents where home so when I woke up I went downstairs and I was knocking on their door. No answer. I knocked again. OK fine. I saw that someone was in the bathroom so I knock on that door. No answer. I mean I started banging on that door. I NEEDED A FREAKING ANSWER TO REASSURE MYSELF THAT I WAS ALIVE! The fact that I worry about this causes me to have depression because I wonder how long it will last and IF and when will I recover. I think about how are we even breathing? How is our body capable of swallowing? How deep is the ocean? I can't even swim. What could this be? Is it part of postpartum? I hope so. It better be because I feel like I cant handle another thing. Just as I was panicking last night about this I head over to smartpatients.com (a forum where I, most of the time find relief) and BOOM! A conversation about how she is thinking the exact same things I am and I start to tear up. Thank God for helping me by putting that post in front of me to show me I am not alone. That is an important reminder. Knowing that we are not alone is what stops us from feeling like we are crazy. Someday this will make us stronger!